Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
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my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.