my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
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Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Yep.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.