These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
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Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color