Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
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If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
mmm onion ringos
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
me after drinking all the wine:
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?