[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
You Might Also Like
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.