Some of y’all tomorrow …
You Might Also Like
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.