My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
How to make infinite energy.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Why are bridges so flammable.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.