*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
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Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
If I ignore life will it go away?
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.