Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
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I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?