I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
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saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES