I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
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Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today