I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
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I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?