The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
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Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots