Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
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I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.