Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
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[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.