If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
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I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet