If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
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7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I saw this ending much differently.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT