Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
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Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
pat pat
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
when you don’t want to be too vague
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.