[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
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*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
New mindset, who dis?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Okey dokey.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I’d rather fork than spoon.