Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
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I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…