A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
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[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Oh my God.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.