[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
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Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
What the hell happened here.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…