Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
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this is the best interaction on twitter
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Straight people are cancelled
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.