Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
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All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”