In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
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9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat