5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
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14
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
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Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.