An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
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STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Yes, this is exactly right
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Mistakes were made
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.