@Eden_Eats

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

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@xoMISSYox

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

@mommajessiec

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

@druuuck

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

@tobyhonk

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

@Rollmaninoz

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

@LindiweKasonde

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

@itsnashflynn

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself