The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
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Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this