DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.