Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
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*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.