I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
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Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Merica.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls