My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
You Might Also Like
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Ironic
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
My hips? Compulsive liars.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.