My hips? Compulsive liars.
You Might Also Like
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
doing your own taxes