Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
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Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.