A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
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Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
$4 #usedbooks
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.