I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
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WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
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My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search