I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
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[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
When customers come in 6 hours before closing