Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
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Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.