My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?