We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
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“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.