Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
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Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
can’t catch a break
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh