What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
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When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
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my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*