there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
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I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
meanwhile over on facebook
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.