As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]