i could never be president. im overqualified.
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Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first