I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
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Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…