I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
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The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter