[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
OH. COME. ON.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.