Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
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All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me