@mattytalks

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

@AbrasiveGhost

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

@markedly

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

@KeetPotato

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

@ChaseMit

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

@Parentpains

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

@darinlovesbacon

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

@ANastyGorilla

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

@UrAvgDegenerate

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.