Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
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ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.