“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
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If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch