Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
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If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
then why did i get this email
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I’d hang this in my house.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]