Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
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I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.