90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
You Might Also Like
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
hmmm
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.