90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

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I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.


Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”


I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.


I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in


You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.


no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct


do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”


Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.


*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*