@BastardProphet

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

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@AbbyHasIssues

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

@ThatMummyLife

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

@Sanbel11

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

@debon7

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

@karanbirtinna

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

@relatabledad

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

@murrman5

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

@AsgardianRose

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

@AndyAsAdjective

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*